It has been a while since I have written on my blog. I have wanted to a couple of times and then thought "what am I going to write about right now?". Believe me when I say, there is plenty I could have written about, it would have been things I would have wanted to delete later though. And we all know, once it is out there, despite the delete button it is forever out there in Internet space.
I have done a lot of self evaluation and trying to figure this whole thing out, I guess struggling with purpose. Purpose is not the right word, setting boundaries in my life. There are things I KNOW that give me purpose: I am a wife, mother, daughter, worker and a friend. All of those things are very sacred to me.
I attended a women's retreat with a friend a couple of weekends ago and it has helped with guiding me in some of this direction. It was explained by an amazing speaker, there are things we carry in our back pack that are ours to carry alone. If we carry the things in other people's backpacks then we neglect the things in our own backpack. And the part that hit the hardest was-there are things in our backpack that we need to let go of, it can be guilt, shame, anger, or on the other end the responsibilities that belong to someone else- work, home, friendships whatever.
I am guilty of carrying other peoples things. I have a bad bad bad habit of taking on how other people feel. I have a hard time separating that it is their issue to deal with. I come by it honestly. When a friend is dealing with a negative situation or better yet I have a friend that is always negative I will let them bring me with them, rather than staying on the course I need to- but still being a friend. This is a very fine line. There are friends you want to shake and say "look don't you see it?" and sometimes i think i would be a better friend if i did. Someone once told me you cannot help someone that does not want to help themselves. I am finding this to be very true. I also have friends that just are always the glass is half empty and toward the end of 2011 I let that affect me and my outlook. I am (well -was not) a person who was negative. After taking on quite a few peoples "feelings" or rocks in their backpack, it took a toll on me. When I was given more rocks, of my own to carry I could not carry them. Essentially, for so long I had listened to negative feelings, things, stories, whatever-I could handle them at the time because my backpack was pretty light.However, when my backpack became heavier, I collapsed. I could not even carry things I needed to like I normally could.
I had taken on the negative attitudes and outlooks as those around me, to give a visual picture the movie "The Mask" when Jim Carey puts the mask on-yea, pretty much like that, it really sucked me in. I don't know exactly when it happened or how it happened but I just know-it did.
This is your public service announcement for your life: Even if things suck, even for a while find something positive to talk about, even for 5 minutes. If you want to "dump" on a friend, at the end talk about something going on good in your life. Make a list of things to be happy about and appreciative of.
I am going to rant now-there are times when friendship/relationships are a little more one sided than the other, I get that. That is why they are your friends, you are there for them and they are there for you regardless of when and how you are needed. I have been a friend that has needed her friends a lot in her life. Recognizing that, I realize I have been taken advantage of by friends more recently than most.
Things in my life are changing, I have drawn some lines. I am setting boundaries. I am staying positive and optimistic. I will not listen to negativity anymore because I am not going to talk about negative situations anymore because I don't want to hear about them. I am making my life simple and will not add anything to my life that does not add value. If you do not want to lift yourself but only suck the energy out of me please do not.
I started by cleaning out my closet! :-)
I am carrying my own backpack and paying attention to it.
